Within our human society there are multiple perspectives from which we can examine, experience and reflect upon that which we have come to call marriage. We can, for example, look at marriage in terms of legality, from a religious perspective, from the view of economics or affordability, and from a host of other views; all of these views are greatly affected and colored by one’s own beliefs as to the permanence, the seriousness, the sacredness of marriage. The aim of this writing is to add to these views some reflective thoughts on marriage from the perspective of work – our work as individuals and the work of humanity as a whole. This perspective centers around process, the idea of being continuous and ongoing, thus the expression, working marriage. Implied in the term “working” is the notion of never ending or never achieving. It is not a goal, but rather a way of being and striving together to bring forth and realize the open-ended potential of each. The state of a working marriage is quite distinctive from a commonly held notion associated with what is called a good marriage, which tends to reflect an achieved state that one works to sustain. In a working marriage, the source of tension and struggle – both within oneself and between each – is the pursuit and enablement of the growth and development of each as well as of the marriage itself. Again, this seems to be quite different from the common experience of managing one’s independent action to avoid serious disturbance of the harmony within the personal relationship.
Before we reflect on the process of a working marriage, it would be beneficial to reflect on work itself. Work is a fundamental aspect of our livingness, our humanness, our spiritual beingness. It is intended to be a source of meaning and dignity in our lives, the primary means by which we express and bring forth our essence, and the process by which we can develop and realize our potential – remembering that as human beings, our potential (individually and collectively) is not a fixed quantity, but an open-ended possibility.
The arenas for our work are value adding processes. Value adding processes are the means we have been given and need to generate to continuously appreciate and run up (versus run down) human developmental and life processes. These processes are not only essential to human life, but to all of life on our planet. Through our work in and through value adding processes, the whole of life ca, as it should and needs to be, get better and better through time. The living world should be better as a result of our being here. Generally speaking, we can see two types of value adding processes: those that deal with the ongoing development of our human society (for example, family, community building, educating, etc.), and those that relate to the materials required for our ongoing existence (for example, farming, clothing, sheltering, healing, transporting, etc.). As members of humanity and as members of the community of life, it is intended that we add value and be a source of run up versus run down; this is a critical condition of our ongoing existence. Adding value to value adding processes is both a requirement and a duty: it is required for us to realize our individual and human potential; and in a true sense, it is our duty as members of the community of life.
Within the context of our being created, and our work, as human beings, let us continue our reflection on a working marriage. Each of us has a uniqueness, a yearning, a bent, that is present and experience-able within us; this intrinsic truth is part of the way we were intentionally created and is the source of our potential and the source of our response to what we experience as a calling. Our calling not only draws us forward, but through time, produces within us a sense of why we are here – a perspective that through reflection provides insights as to the path we have followed, and the work and roles we have taken on along this path.
From our reflection so far, we can begin to see that the primary instrument or means we have for carrying out the intent of a working marriage are the roles we take on relative to the work we are called to do in the generation and support of particular value adding processes. Roles require us to BE a particular way, as well as hold us accountable for particular behaviors. Our BEING relates to inner organization of our energies. We can readily experience this when we find ourselves somewhat able to do, but not able to be.
The partnering in a working marriage looks to the complementarity of spirit and energy for direction. The partner seeks to see and provide the energy and spirit that will complement that which is already there to bring about the completeness and inner organization required to fulfill the role. In a way, this process is like one atom joining with another to complete the energetic electron shell of the other, and by so doing becomes complete itself. It is not uncommon for a spouse to see the developmental energetic needs of their partner more clearly and truly than the partner themselves can see. This same pattern holds as two come together to fill a common role.
Beyond complementarity of energy and spirit, roles, and value adding processes, we begin to see the grounds or basis for a working marriage: the capacity for continually deepening commitment. Capacity considers not just current ableness, but the intent and desire to advance, to grow beyond the current. Commitment itself is grounded in the willfulness to work to bring forth the open-ended potential of oneself, each other, and that which is possible from the oneness two can generate.
The pursuit of a working marriage is love. As capacity for commitment deepens, so does the experience and presence of love. Similarly, as love deepens, the capacity for commitment deepens. Through time, the love between and for each other can develop and evolve such that the marriage can become an instrument of love.
