Essential to working for all children is reflecting – both as a person and through reflective dialogue. It is through reflecting that pathways of understanding open up for us. We begin “seeing” that which was previously invisible – out of reach. This is especially true when dealing with the significant – that which has much meaning and relevance to us. What follows is a writing that emerged from a reflective dialogue brought about by the death of Heidi, a daughter, a mother’s child. By sharing this reflection, the hope is it will crate an experience of the breadth, depth and wholeness that comes forth through reflections and reflective dialogue.
Shortly after Heidi died from injuries sustained in a bicycling accident, Heidi’s mother and I shared and discussed thoughts about dying and death, including our own. This morning as light was creeping into the valley, I felt it would be helpful to record or re-express some of that which came out of our process and processing. I will try to capture the essential notion or image we generated in regard to our reflection process itself, as well as on the subject matter of our reflection – death and dying of our loved ones and our selves – such that our images can be both expanded upon and deepened at a later time.
It seems at times we were more reflecting together than actually discussing a subject, in that the aim of reflection is not to produce a particular concrete answer, but rather a deeper understanding of the working and meaning of something… thereby being more human in our thought and expression, and more able to cooperate with the intent of the Creator. It is interesting that what often seems to initiate and energize the reflective thought process is a desire for a clear, black and white answer to a significant or disturbing occurrence out there in the world or in our life.
Yet, once analysis gives way to reflection, the desire and need for concreteness is replaced by the vivification and exploring of life and life processes. What emerges is something more REAL than the factual or so-called concrete, much like the beauty we witness in the rocks of a canyon transcends that which would be possible through a physical, scientific description of them. In a way, perhaps it is the difference between having an answer, and being or living an answer. What an amazing critter this thing called human is, when it lives, or strives to live, from the higher and more human aspects of its essence, and thereby more fully lives out the intention of the Creator.
As we reflect on the subject matter of our dialogue and reflection, we find we certainly can become wide ranging and expansive: We touch upon many essential life processes such as birthing, parenting, working, aging, death, preparing for death, spirits, spirituality – being guided by such questions as why does it occur this way, why do we respond the way we do, how should we respond, what is our role in each process as well as the larger scheme of things, and how might we think about it such that we can be more cooperative with the Creator’s intent as well as have greater access to uplifting energy, and more ableness to live from our spirit?
Now we suppose some folks would not view this nature of experience as being restful, but it does seem that when reflecting, we are being excused from our daily chores to ponder and explore this territory… often aided by the very present expression of nature’s beauty, with the underlying impression of intent and intentionality in the creation and creative process, as opposed to an accidental occurrence or happenstance.
An overall perspective from which we reflect seems to be that there is a willful and conscious intent behind the design and construct of the universe. The universe is perpetually evolving, or constantly being created, rather than existing as a one-time-only fixed creation. Each and everything has a role, and therefore purpose in this ongoing creation, the implication of this being that we all have a destiny to fulfill. There is uncertainty, however, and while there is a destiny, the outcome or carrying out of that is not predetermined. We are not just mechanically filling or being manipulated to fill a role. There is hazard in this unfolding, and our cooperation and participation is required, perhaps even critical to the ongoing success of the unfolding act of creation – success being the bringing about of the intent of the Creator.
The process of deepening the understanding of one’s role and increasing our level of cooperation occurs through the receptivity produced by reflection and prayer. Reflection does not often produce concrete answers, but rather a deeper and clearer sense of the rightness and goodness of the path on which our heart seems to be guiding us. Reflection is the means by which we can prepare ourselves to hear when we are being spoken to; this is very similar to the notion in the scriptures of paying attention or being awake… never knowing when the call will come.
The other overall perspective, or perhaps premise, that we hold as we engage in the process of reflection is the sense that we can – given that there is intent and intentionality in the human being, and, therefore in life itself – reflect on our life experiences, and gain from them increased meaning and a deeper understanding of life and life processes including death and beyond. An example of one exploratory arena is aging – in particular, the slowdown phenomena we experience that is in direct contrast to the vigor and energy of our youth. It is natural to miss the energy and stamina of our youth. As we get older, our mind certainly is capable of envisioning new and interesting things to do, and often we find we have more freedom and time to do these things; it seems ironic that in our later years, when we have time and space, our energy is depleting. We find that a day in the garden includes significant stretches of sitting (and hopefully appreciation for the time to sit) versus continuous activity. We could have been created such that at the end of our time on earth (that is, the later stages), we would have more energy and more capacity to engage in even more activities. However, this does not seem to be the common experience, and therefore perhaps not the intent of the Creator. The slowdown, however, is much more conducive to reflection, reflection being the process to produce understanding, which is or can be the seed of wisdom.
Wisdom seems to be essential for healthy and wise approaches to life and living; it is critical that the wisdom earned through life experiences be passed on to, and shared with, future generations. The wisdom that is available to those who reflect on their experiences of life and its processes and cycles is essential to sustaining the process of life itself. It is accessible only to those who have “been through it” and reflected on it, and thereby not directly accessible to the young. They can, however, and need to experience the presence of that wisdom in the elders, for it produces not only a calming effect and future source of reflection, but is truly a source of hope, and ultimately a means of accessing faith and love. Yet, why do we, given this important role, still experience the longing for, and often the ceaseless pursuit of, the vigor, energy and particularly, the doing of youth? This inner division is certainly very real and very experience-able. A part of us seems to be seeking ways to cling to or extend our earthly existence, while another part reflects on life and our life processes, and senses there is an inevitable ending. Could it be that this tension is required to produce a reconciling force within us: a reconciling force that takes on the nature of surrendering or giving of oneself to the Divine intention, thus a true experience and expression of the Creator’s love?
What an interesting polarity. On the one hand, we are drawn to continue to do, to experience, and to drink deeply of life; at times, we are driven by a real and true sense that if we do not keep going, all will stop. On the other hand, we are increasingly reflective, trying to bring meaning and understanding to life processes and life itself. We share our wisdom, our unattached observations, and our calming sense of faith (particularly that no matter what, things can and do work out), often finding ourselves working to produce something of permanence or everlasting beauty, perhaps as a means of redeeming ourselves for the energy we have consumed, and the blessings and gifts we have experienced in our life.
Finally, with effort the polarity shifts. It becomes a true complementarity. We have the energy of doing and the energy of reflecting working together – still experienced as separate, unique, and opposite forces – in a way that a reconciling force begins to build. This joining of energies is perhaps initiated by our capacity to reflect on our life free of regrets, and sustained by both our capacity to appreciate, and the appreciation of our capacity to appreciate… these thoughts being accompanied by the notion that perhaps the ongoing act of appreciating the work and expressions of the Creator through nature is critical to sustaining creation – sustaining the ongoing creative act itself. And so it seems at this particular stage of our life we have a part, a role in the ongoing evolution of creation that relates to other generations, as well as the sustaining of the creative process itself. Carrying out our role is much more effective if we can sustain our enthusiasm and joy for life, regardless of our physical capacity. Our demonstrated desire to keep growing and exploring new ideas and places is in itself a source of hope and courage to all who are concerned with or fearful of their own aging process. Again, if we reflect on our embedded humanness and our life experience, all of this seems consistent with the intent of our Creator.
We could view life or the life cycle in terms of the visible portion (that is, our time on earth) and the invisible portion. Our questions seemed to focus on the following subject matter: What is the transition like between the visible and invisible? What is occurring? What is the role of the living, relative to the dying – to those who are in transition? Given that we have a role and purpose on earth, do we (our spirit and soul) have a role in the ongoing invisible aspect of life?
Our reflection and dialogue was not kept at the abstract as we intentionally brought in our experiences of death and dying, particularly the unexpected or unexplainable death of a loved one. Through this processing, we arrived at some points of clarity and understanding which will provide a base for further exploration and reflection.
Being human brings with it the requirement or opportunity to experience the primary emotions of life itself; they are natural and unavoidable. Even Christ chose not to escape these emotions; witness his despair over the death of his dear friend, Lazarus. The challenge for us is to not become so attached to the emotions that we are unable to fulfill our own role, or unable to cooperate with the processes that are trying to or need to take place.
The universe is a magical, mysterious, yet knowable place; its working is complex and wisely and intentionally guided. Its unfolding creation is ongoing and hazardous, and the outcome uncertain; we have both a choice and a role in this ongoing process. Given its complexity, it is reasonable to expect that during the invisible part of the life cycle, we, or rather our spirits, have a role – thus the need for us to cooperate with the transition from the physical to the spiritual.
A spirit manifested is available forever and to all. It is not the death that we seek to connect with, but rather the spirit of those who have died. It is the spirit that we can experience, be affected by, and perhaps affect.
Death is a significant phenomenon and worthy of preparation. Prayer, meditation and reflection are processes in which we engage to prepare ourselves for death. Perhaps another reason for the slowdown experience of aging is this need for quiet reflective processes.
We cannot know what is the work of others, or when that work or purpose is fulfilled such that it is their time to depart. Embracing life and fully experiencing each other comes to mind as a guiding principle in the context of this thought.
Our reflection did bring to the forefront the realization that significant life events bring with them unique energies that would not otherwise be available to us; thus processing and gaining value from these energies becomes our work. It would seem from our dialogue that reflecting on the experiences of ourselves and others, as well as exploring the thoughtful perspectives of others, was very helpful to us, and aided in the right processing of these energies. It is interesting that the driving force seems to be the need for certainty or concrete explanation. Upon reflection, however, what seems to emerge is increased clarity about life and its working. We can see life more clearly, and are more able to truly appreciate it, yet it retains the nature of a sacred mystery.
With right processing, the good emerges. We can taste and experience life to much greater depths than before; we become able to appreciate and honor all of life, life’s struggles, and the life force itself. We are not trying to overcome our sense of loss at the death of a loved one; mourning has its purpose. We begin to conclude that with right processing, we live from a deeper, higher, more human plane of life. If we choose to operate in the world of will – where “Thy will” always overrides “my will” – we can truly view the death of a loved one, our own preparation for death, and ultimately our dying, as means of becoming more fully human… such that even through dying and death, we are able to fulfill our part and participate in the unfolding intent of our Creator. Perhaps that is what becoming REAL means.
