Today I was given two thoughts about grieving. First, that it is not something to get over, but something to integrate. I was thinking about how I do not want to forget this experience or “get rid” of the sadness; rather I wish to get the most out of this experience… just as I hope my sister Heidi got the most out of the experience of being able to die surrounded by love, song and prayer. By seeing the loss, grieving and emotional “gamut” all as experiences to integrate, I can develop.
Second in my thoughts was the notion of grace. What we experienced a lot of during the past months was grace. The “just sitting” with Heidi and accepting the Creator’s will for her was grace. The stroke that ended her doubt and suffering was grace. The outpouring of love from family and friends was grace. Perhaps it is true that within every tragedy there is a seed of grace from which potential can bloom.
To me, these two thoughts of integration and grace relate so very much to “Know Thyself,” which was inscribed above the entrance to the oracle at Delphi in ancient Greece. To truly integrate this experience as a potentializing experience, and to recognize and live in the grace, I must be self-aware and I must be in the moment. Perhaps part of the experience itself places one, “kicking and screaming,” into the moment; how can you not be present during such a crisis? Think of it: There are probably monks and priests in the world who spend years trying to reach the state of being we were plunged into because of Heidi’s accident.
Of course, this is not to say that I am fine. I am being soft and tolerant with myself… because who knows what kinds of feelings will come over me in the next months or years; I want to be present and find room in my heart for the pain, not deny it. Only through… not with resistance… that is how I want to be moving.
She has left us forever… and she is with us forever.
The sorrow and joy simultaneously experienced,
awaken our hearts…
clarifying what is important in life
and what has meaning.
